2003-11-12 - 1:39 p.m.

This feels like tricky magic. I have in my hands the official documents and now it is supposed to be real.

I keep getting these twinges that aren't the nervous ones anymore, but the excited kind. It feels weird to be excited here since no one shares my desire for departure. I'm counting the hours and days and minutes and the "this will be the last time I do this" and "should I set small fires in the garbage cans?"

24 hours until I leave for NYC, which I can't picture at all and it is going to be so strange to be walking around and reconnecting. Then I come back to a new life, but I still feel like I should feel more. I have those twinges, but it still seems so far out of reach and I want to really feel something. I want that overwhelming, tears flowing down my cheeks with no crying feeling.

I don't understand how to feel a certain way anymore. Help me get excited?

back - forth