2004-10-08 - 1:06 p.m.

||quiet pumpkin pie||

I think I'm becoming one of those endless dreamers. I worry about money. I wonder whether it's better to enjoy life everyday or plan for really great adventures in different lives. I'm nervous about the progress of my future. I'm bored again. I want to crunch in leaves and hold your hand. We've been giggling and that's really wonderful. But, days are spent filling time and I know that isn't what I should be doing. But, my responsibilities are small and my tasks are few. At least: MUSIC.

But, I know how important 1 year is. Staying put is so necessary. But I don't even know why. There are so many things that are logical and clich� and as soon as I feel this way I want to tune it out. It's like I'm a teen again fighting any kind of systematic routine. When someone would come into our class and share their life experience about drugs, religion or abuse and I would always think it was so cheesy for them to be there telling us such obvious things. It was as if my life was so perfect that I would never end up on drugs, pregnant or in an abusive relationship. Stay in school! Don't use drugs! I could never accept anyone's wisdom because it was clear to me that I understood it all.

Which is why I am really getting such a kick out of 7th Heaven. I can't get over how much it reminds me of high school. That sort of obvious advice made me insane back then. The mixed messages, the unclear opinions and the general confusion over what was being said and the reasons behind beliefs.

It's as if every day I want something different. Like cravings for different lunchtime snacks.

I want 5 hours everyday where I do something super productive. Baking some nutty bread and finishing that stencil pattern while listening to perfect warming sounds.

But, also I want to sleep for hours in leaves somewhere in the middle of memories.

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